Two day-long Jewish holidays that end when Shabbat begins kinda drive me crazy. Add to the the screaming, yelling, drinking and mad cap eating that describe Simchat Torah and you can understand why I'm on edge.
So when Shabbat ended a few hours ago, I took some time to myself. Lounged in a bath. Tried to put things in perspective. That's when I felt guilty all over again for what happened today.
It's still hot in LA, and in shul, even though you could hear the air conditioning working, the amount of people packed in one small area made the cold air turn hot. My boys went AWOL - one actually went home on his own, while another decided not to attend shul at all. The other two were still in bed when I came home, all in a huff to put things right.
Needless to say, all the boys ended up in shul before long. So with a certain amount of irritation, I settled down for the Torah reading, new month blessing and Musaf. Next up, catered lunch. Not more food. In terms of my self control, I realized the end was near.
I asked my daughter to take my Tehillim to the lunch room for me, and when she showed up without it, I ran to fetch it, and returned to a backhanded punch in the eye by a woman who obviously didn't see me behind her. I let her have it.
She was so sorry, and I was so mad, that my friends came and took my away from her, looked me in the face and let me vent. Then I felt bad - I knew I couldn't let another person feel bad for something they obviously didn't mean to do.
So I apologized. And she apologized. And we hugged. Then we ate lunch, drank wine, made untold number of L'Chaims (we're Lubavitchers, we L'Chaim everything) and the day was done.
Even though I apologized, I still feel bad. I think that's what G-d wants me to feel - bad about my anger. Get a grip girl, He seems to be saying. It's a big world out there and not everyone is gonna make you happy. Suck it up and control yourself.
I got the message. Now all I need is the strength of character and mind to put it to good use.